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Jessica
07 February 2011 @ 04:01 am
I get very self loathing at night!  I am haunted by my past mistakes.  I wish someone would take out a section of my brain or I could get amnesia or something so I could not be so wrapped up in how stupid I've been.  

I'm brainstorming new scenes for the novel, I find I do it better when I have a million other things I should be doing, ie my schoolwork.  Tomorrow I have to do a lot of things I'd rather not do. 
 
 
Jessica
01 November 2010 @ 04:30 pm
 I'm a very ambitious person.  Sometimes my ambitions exceeds my abilities, but still I always have hope, and grand hopes at that.  

I don't know if I can really understand people with no ambition in life.  I would not be satisfied with the same sort of life as everyone else, or rather, your cookie cutter type of life, maybe you own a small business, you work in an office, you get married, have 1 or 2 kids, watch TV at night, perhaps movies on the weekends.  That might be heaven to some people but that's absolute misery to me. 

It's not that extremely accomplished people have different lives than normal people.  Living is living, no matter who you are.  It's just the realm of possibilities that's open and available for some people that's unimaginable to someone else. 

Over the summer I hung out on a few occasions with my cousin's stepmom, the opera singer.  She was once ranked in the top 10 opera singers in China (I think I've written about her before) and everyday she's introduced to extremely notable people, and for her it's like nothing.  She told me when my uncle first met her, they were in their 20s, and she was already a star, and he was a policeman, not yet a businessman living the high life, and he would tell her later that the first time he met her he was so happy for the rest of the day just to have the guts to go up to a woman like her and talk to her.  That's the kind of effect she has on people.  I'm not saying I want to become that kind of famous, but try imagining the kind of life when you lead an absolutely ordinary one. 

 
 
Jessica
07 June 2010 @ 02:04 pm
I just took the FSOT (Foreign Service Officers) test today. Apparently 80% of first time test takers fail, so I'm not counting on passing. But it wasn't too difficult. I doubt I would be hired though as I still got one year of college left, and most people who take it are a lot older. I went to an appointment with a career counselor at NYU the other day and he told he it was a really hard test with a 30% passing rate. I should've asked him if it was ludicrous for me to take it now having not even graduated college yet. Oh well. He gave me lots of good pointers on what to do while I'm in Beijing so I'm excited about that and the future in general.

And now: to NYU to address my immediate academic future.

And later tonight working at T5 for much needed money.

Flight to Tokyo and Beijing tomorrow! With layover, altogether 23 hours of transit, yippee. Haven't packed for anything yet because have been consumed with school stuff and studying for the FSOT so should have a sleepless night tonight. Yes that should be fun as well.
 
 
Jessica
04 June 2010 @ 03:23 pm
Inspired by someone else's post and also purely as a procrastination tool, I'm going to list my resolutions for this year, for my 20s, for my life in general:

1. Become fluent in French. (Out of all the languages I've learned in life, French has been the easiest, plus it's spoken in a lot of places in Africa, so French gets priority). Regain competency in Japanese, learn more Chinese characters, and learn some more Spanish.

2. Get started and finish novel this summer.

3. Get started and finish short story this summer.

4. Learn to be more confident, assertive and well spoken.

5. Lose weight. Target: 2 dress sizes.

6. Dress more stylishly once having lost weight.

7. Learn how to better put on makeup.

8. Make as much money as possible while gaining relevant experience for resume.

9. Bring up GPA/ Focus on Schoolwork.

10. Get involved in journalism (go to every single Washington Square News meeting next semester- this semester I only went to 1).

11. Apply for grants to do volunteer work abroad.

12. Travel and see the world without feeling scared or guilty.

13. Learn to have faith in myself and my dreams/ goals.

14. Learn to want and do without fear.

15. Read more fiction and non-fiction. Read all about world affairs, and world history. Become super aware and knowledgeable in general, and not just about things that interest you (frivolous things).

16. Network and form better friendships and connections with people.

17. Be happier.
 
 
Jessica
02 June 2010 @ 08:03 pm
This is really irritating because I haven't finished that essay that I was going to finish writing but I don't want to waste an Adderall pill on it tonight when I have to get to sleep soon for early appointments tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up at the crack of dawn and complete everything, miraculously, as if I was touched by the hand of Jesus.
 
 
 
Jessica
02 June 2010 @ 10:58 am
Woohoo I am registered to take the Foreign Service Officer Test for this Sunday!

I have such a packed schedule these couple of days:


Wednesday (today): finish paper #1
Thursday: 10:30 am doctor's appointment, 4pm doctor's appointment, see NYU admin for classes, start paper #2
Friday: Finish (hopefully) paper #2, 2pm appointment with Career Counselor, 6pm Stuy Japanese class reunion dinner
Saturday: Study for FSOT
Sunday: 12:30 FSOT Test
Monday: Pack and buy presents for relatives, work at T5 at 7pm.
Tuesday: Gone for 3 months!
 
 
Jessica
17 May 2010 @ 08:57 pm
I lost a jean size! It's weird because I haven't particularly been dieting or exercising, and in fact at school, because I didn't have a meal plan and was stressed for the better part of last month, I would have Chinese food or pizza everyday, although I took care not to exceed 2,000 calories. In any case I'm the smallest I've been since I was like 11 or 12 years old, which is kind of sad. Although I don't look any thinner, especially not on top. I fear at this rate I will become a top heavy person instead of a Joan Holloway esque ~hourglass~. Must not let this happen- although not sure how to prevent it.
 
 
Jessica
27 April 2010 @ 09:55 pm
My life is not very interesting.
 
 
Jessica
27 April 2010 @ 07:19 am
I must say the education I'm getting at NYU is worth however much I'm paying for it, and will pay for it. I'm glad I never switched out.
 
 
Jessica
26 April 2010 @ 05:29 pm
NYU does not want to fuck with me right now. Nor anyone else.